Things To Know About Fad Diets

eople who have undergone weight loss in the past very well know what it takes to lose those extra flabs on the body; a long term commitment. Still the fact looms that savvy dieters occasionally get tempted by the swift weight loss promised by fad diets. Some people tend to get over the negatives associated with most fad diets as each new �lose weight quickly’ ploy comes along, possibly due to the lack of knowledge about the food items that carry nutritional value and those that don’t. Today, people easily get attracted towards fad diets as many don’t get the proper guidance on staple diet and due to inadequate information through proper channel. Given ahead are some basic but important points that each one must consider before getting towards fad diets.

Beware About Magical and Passing Claims

It’s typically a human nature to be attracted to fad diets, which promise quick and easy results. There isn’t any standard definition of a fad diet. Following are some of the points that indicate a weight loss plan is an ineffective fad diet.

The diet claims to be a swift weight losing diet at quite an unrealistic pace The claims sound too good to be true
The diet’s suggestions seem extreme as well
Statements made about the diet are disproved by reputable scientific organizations
These fad diet involves crash dieting or very intense reductions in eating and drinking

Popularity of Fad Diets

One question that still looms over is why do fad diets become the craze? Several factors typically lead to their popularity. They are:

�Quick weight loss claims: In this age of everything instant, it’s natural for anyone to fall for a weight loss plan that promises swift weight loss in Mumbai in only weeks instead of months
�Endorsements by Celebrity: Some celebrities endorse for such fad diets without really knowing the truth
�Mentality of �Elimination’: The idea that cutting out some foods will lead in quick weight loss plays into popular beliefs about dieting. Several of these diets promote elimination of one or multiple food groups for a set number of days or in very particular combinations with some sort of trick. Many people aren’t ready for dieting the natural way and thus willingly accept this type of weight loss plan, at least for a brief period.
�Sheer Pressure: If friends and relatives are following a fad diet, then it’s tempting to join in.

Question Related to Fad Diets

The most vital question about any weight loss plan is not whether it’s effective, but whether it’s safe and healthy for you. Several fad diets do work for a short period of time, generally causing you to drop pounds due to probably unhealthy calorie reduction or water weight loss. However, while you enjoy the benefits of this new swift weight loss plan, you also need to consider its overall nutritional content. The sad part is, several fad diets do not meet the nutritional requirements of most people and set an individual up for failure. When the diet fails, the dieters could blame themselves and develop a feeling of demoralization and hopelessness. This can make it harder to make the healthy changes required for long term weight loss.

Fad diets can often be confusing and can mislead individuals who look for quick weight loss. So, it’s best to follow recommendations by reputable organizations or nutrition experts who can guide you through a healthy weight loss.

Buy Herbal Sex Medicine For Male!

Men are facing issues on bed and it’s all related to sex. When you are not satisfied in your sex life then you tend to confront many relationship issues with your partner. When people find problems in their love life then they tend to move to some counselors to get the right direction of getting their love life back but for people, who go through issues like losing interest in sex or lack of stamina, usually hesitate in consulting counselors or doctors. For those people herbal sex medicine for men is available in the market that can be taken without any prescription.

Trusted herbal medicines for sex problems:

There isn’t any reason to refuse the use of these trusted herbal medicines as these medicines claims to increase the amazing sex power on bed and helps you in better performance. Sex medicine contains various herbs that are free from any side effects and helped most of the men to spend more time on bed. There are barely less chance that these medicines let you down during sex. According to research there is an ayurvedic medicine for men power, which is considered as amrit or nectar of god provided to mankind so that they can live youthful life and get everlasting power when it comes to sex performance.

Herbal medicines to save sex life:

These ayurvedic medicines are completely made up of herbs, which oozes out straight from mountains because of sun’s heating effect in summers. Most of the ayurvedic medicines are blackish brown to pale brown in color, soft textured, slimy touch, heavy and pure. Ayurvedic medicines are mostly dissolved in water. Sex medicines are made up from the plants, which were decomposed centuries back and got abandoned in to the mountains as well as because of the pressure, got safeguarded in mountains. All ingredients used in the ayurvedic medicines that claims to be the most effective way to increase sex drive are found in mountain regions.

Sex medicine helps in combating sex issues:

A sex medicine possesses hot potency that makes it sufficient enough to combat various sex ailments caused by hectic schedules. Men don’t have to worry about sex issues like early ejaculation, low stamina, no power on bed or bad performance in sex. There is a remedy available for those people who confront such situations such as sex medicine for male are available for men in ayurveda that is completely free from all sort of side effects.

Various ingredients used in ayurvedic medicine for sex:

There is an ingredient known as shilajit that is hugely used in the preparation of various ayurvedic medicines as well as considered as one of the most vital ingredient in the making of ayurvedic medicines. It’s a part of popular ayurvedic medicines. This ingredient work wonders as a strong anti-oxidants thereby delaying age and provides stamina to men when it comes to sex problems. Most of the ingredients used in natural herbal sex medicines are used to improve endurance and strength to spend more time on bed during sex.

Sex Offenders at Your Company? It’s Time to Take Back Our Hiring Process From the Legislators

The February 2010 rape and murder of 17 year-old Chelsea King in San Diego, at the hands of a convicted sex offender, reminds us all of the fragility of life. She was alive and vibrant one afternoon, and dead by nightfall, all because of a man who should still be in prison for his previous sexual assault and beating of a 13 year-old.

As of December 2004, anyone in California with access to a computer can go online to the Megan’s Law web site. This ability, of course, follows the legislative responses to the rape and murder of seven year-old New Jersey girl Megan Kanka, and a national series of horrific, tragic, and life-altering sexually-oriented crimes, where sexual predators assaulted and/or killed the children and adults who were unlucky enough to cross their paths.

All states have their own versions of our Megan’s Law databases, all created with the intention of helping people recognize or identify those men who have been convicted of certain sexually-related criminal offenses. (It’s no surprise women are hugely underrepresented as sexual predators, for various protective, behavioral, and biological reasons.)

California, being one of the leaders in deviance and deviant behavior, has not been registering sex offenders for very long; only since 1947. (Add your own thoughts here, if you are pleased or surprised that we have been keeping track of sex offenders for over 60 years, and yet these crimes continue.) And despite these efforts, as cases of kidnap, rape, and murder, in this state and around the country, continues, the various criminal justice, mental health, and correctional systems surrounding these offenders are shown as far from perfect.

Due to the obsessional nature of their disease (affliction, illness, or however the mental health and criminal justice professionals label it), the fear of sexual recidivism is constant. As many longitudinal studies suggest, the re-offend / re-arrest rate for these people, fresh from prison or a prison hospital, is 75 percent or higher. Those seem like great odds if you’re betting on the Super Bowl in Vegas, but lousy ones if you found your child with an offender who swears he has “seen the light,” found religion, or somehow realized the error of his previous malevolent ways.

The mere existence of a database filled with people who have already demonstrated extremely poor sexual, social, and behavioral boundaries points to a sad reality in society. These people and their crimes are not new; sex crimes have been around as long as sex. Taking adults and children by force and sexually abusing their bodies (not to mention scarring their psyches) has been around since we populated the caves. The fact that we have collected them electronically does not prevent their crimes from happening into the future.

So what is my major complaint about the Megan’s Law databases? As a security expert and an HR professional, I’d like to see our Golden State legislators remove a single, yet critical, word from the existing statute: “Section 290.46(j)(2) expressly prohibits the use of information disclosed on the website for purposes relating to health insurance, insurance, loans, credit, employment, education, housing, or benefits, privileges, or services, provided by any business establishment.” Delete the word “employment” from the statute and employers can get back the power to protect their own firms as they see fit.

If you can’t use the fact that a job applicant to your business is on a sex offender database, to make a safe hiring decision, then what is the purpose of knowing in the first place? You can’t unring that bell once it sounds. Let’s ask our legislators to have the guts to allow concerned HR professionals, hiring managers, and small business owners to use the knowledge of an applicant on the Megan’s Law database as criteria for not hiring that individual.

If we continue as it stands now, as one labor law attorney has put it, “We have made convicted sex offenders a ‘protected class.'”

According to California law, the statute says that authorized users can access the web site’s information “only to protect a person at risk,’ who is defined by Penal Code section 290.45(a)(8) as a person who`is or may be exposed to a risk of becoming a victim of a sex offense committed by the offender.'”

Should a business owner or manager have the right to say to an applicant, “Based on the fact that you are on a verified database for sexual offenders, we choose not to hire you”? Before the civil libertarians rise up in anger, we already know that we can ask the applicant about criminal convictions (not arrests) during the interview process. And according to the US Department of Labor, we can weigh the existence of a conviction using three criteria: the nature of the crime, how long ago it happened, and the nature of the applicant’s work with regard to the crime and his/her contact with employees, customers, taxpayers, patients, students, vendors, etc.

It’s perfectly reasonable to say that a man convicted once for drunk driving in 1980 should be allowed to drive a school bus if he has had no other traffic, substance abuse, or behavioral issues since that date. A similar conviction in 2008 should disqualify him for the job.

The problem with sex offenders is that there is a good reason they are now classified and categorized on-line as such; they recidivate, they re-offend, they re-harm, even after many years of “being clean and sober” from deviant sexual behavior (to mix the 12-step metaphor a bit).

Here’s a typical employment scenario to consider: a man works as a maintenance employee at an apartment complex that houses families. As a result of his previous sex crime conviction, he was put on probation and labeled (per California Penal Code) as a “290 registrant.” So while he may have completed his probation period (which barred him from contact with kids, loitering near a school, or whatever the restrictions spelled out), he still has to register as a sex offender, five days before or after his birthday, at the local police or sheriff’s station in the county where he lives, for life.

So while the Probation Department may be done with him, the State of California (and other states, if he moves), is not.

Let’s say there was no background check done on him to get his current position at the apartment complex; or he was never asked and didn’t tell. By all accounts, he is a good employee, with no performance or behavioral problems.

A resident in the complex gets curious about him and decides to look for him in the Megan’s Law database and discovers him there. Afraid for herself and her kids, she reports her findings to the management company of the apartment complex. What should they do? They cannot fire him for not revealing he is a 290 registrant. They cannot fire him for being a 290 registrant. They cannot fire him “for-cause” – a violation of policy or procedures, an attendance problem, an attitude problem, or a work performance problem. They cannot fire him.

To put it in streetside legal terms, the management company is screwed.

Company lawyers would advise them to monitor his work performance, watch his behavior around co-workers and residents, and keep a weather eye out for any signs of problems. That’s fine, right up until he sexually assaults a woman or child, and then it’s too late to be vigilant.

If we fire him, thinks the management company, he sues us for wrongful termination. If we keep him and he assaults someone in the apartment complex, the victim and/or the family sues us for hiring or continuing to employ him. Once again, to put it in streetside legal terms, the management company is screwed.

This issue of not using the Megan’s Law database as a judgmental criterion for employment prevents employers from making business decisions that affect their companies, their employees, and those they provide services to. If a hiring manager wants to hire a 290 registrant to work in his factory, he can. If a woman running a dry cleaning shop wants to hire a 290 registrant to work the front counter, she can. But if either of those people think that offering employment to a 290 registrant is just not worth the potential bad publicity (because the news almost always gets out) or the future risk to customers, kids, or others, why can’t they just say no?

Legislators, lawyers, and prisoner advocates say that sex offenders who have served their sentences or otherwise paid their so-called debts to society, should not continue to be judged, ostracized, re-victimized, or otherwise prevented from making a living. Perhaps. But because of the disturbing nature of their past crimes, or the fact that their living victims or their families get no peace, or because the temptation to strike again is so strong in so many of them, can’t we ask our state legislators to give our employers back the discretion they need to make a decision that benefits many, instead of the one?

Nothing will bring Chelsea King back to life. Her killer was in the registered sex offender database and proved that it does not always shield our society from harm. Whether he had a job or didn’t have a job was and is not the issue in her case. But for those who are housed in the Megan’s Law system, their criminal conviction history is just as important to a potential employer. If a good predictor of future behavior is past behavior, then can we ask our state legislators to bring back common sense to the hiring process?

In 1994, Dr. Albrecht co-wrote Ticking Bombs: Defusing Violence in the Workplace, one of the first business books on workplace violence. Besides his work as a conference presenter and keynote speaker, he appears in the media and on the Internet, as a source on workplace violence, security, crime, and terrorism. He was featured in the 2009 BBC documentary “Going Postal.” His 15 business and police books include Tough Training Topics; Tactical Perfection for Street Cops; Added Value Negotiating; Service, Service, Service!; Fear and Violence on the Job; Streetwork; and Contact and Cover.

As a trainer, speaker, author, and consultant, Dr. Steve Albrecht is internationally known for his expertise in high-risk HR issues. He provides consulting, threat assessments, site security surveys, corrective coaching, and training seminars in workplace violence prevention, harassment prevention, drug and alcohol awareness, team building, conflict resolution, high-risk customer service, and stress management.

Dr. Albrecht holds a doctoral degree in Business Administration (D.B.A.), an M.A. in Security Management, a B.A. in English, and a B.S. in Psychology. He has been a trainer for 24 years and is certified as a Professional in Human Resources (PHR) by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) and as a Certified Protection Professional (CPP) by the American Society for Industrial Security (ASIS).

Imagine You Could Give Up Your Job and Make Even More Money Without a Job – Find Out How to Here

The bottom line here is that sex sells. What sells more than sex? What do advertiser’s prey on when advertising? That is right…They prey on the huge obsession that people have with the human body. It sells clothes, cars, homes, magazines, food, alcohol. You name it and I guarantee I can show you at least one example of when sex was used to sell a product. Any product.

This leads to one common conclusion. If it is possible to sell anything with sex imagine how easy it is to sell sex? If you are truly dedicated and want to make money online you should seriously consider starting an adult website.

Now, I am not telling you that you need to start taking of your clothes and performing indecent acts on people of the opposite sex. It is much, much easier than that to start an adult website. You will become an Adult Webmaster. Adult websites are one of the easiest ways to make money on the internet today.
All you need is the desire for financial freedom and a want for a better life.

Your adult website can be in any different niche. You get to pick. Your adult website can feature gay, straight or lesbian sex. It can feature group sex, sex in risque places, sex with plumber. You adult website can be in just about any niche that you desire. Or that you think your visitors will desire. You can make it as tasteful or as non-tasteful as you like. You are in the driving seat here. This will be your adult website. You can do what you like with it and then sit back and cash in.

I was in a situation where I needed money. My job was not paying enough and I had bills to pay. I was feeling like there was no way out. Nothing I tried worked. I created an Adult website and that marked the end of financial worries!

The money rolls in. It is possible to make at least 10X more than you were before. You will not look back for a minute! The best thing about running an adult website? It can be 100% Risk-Free.

The Vicious Cycle of Adult ADD, Shame, and Sexual Compulsion

Brian is an investment banker in his early forties who, in graduate business school, first began to visit prostitutes, spend money on phone sex, compulsively masturbate and, finally spend as much as 5-10 hours a day looking at internet porn. When sexually acting out, he would feel that someone had turned on his brain for the first time. On the net, he would suddenly feel alive. He had energy and felt the euphoria that sexual immersion seductively provides. His mind slowed down; he didn’t need to keep moving.

Since his teens, he had masturbated nearly every night before going to sleep and sometimes once or twice during the day as well. He was shy in school and dated infrequently, partly from his feelings of inadequacy from the persistent inability to concentrate, multiple failures, disapproval from parents, teachers and peers and the consequent demoralization that contributed to low self-esteem.

Undergraduate school had been difficult for him. Complex mathematical formulations from his economics courses were tape-recorded while he fantasized about looking under the girl’s shirt who sat next to him. He was chronically late at classes, his dorm was messy and his clothes were disheveled. He seemed to live in another world. Once on the job, he loved the thrill, excitement and risk of being a trader, but when he had to sit in boardrooms to listen to his bosses talk about strategy, his “eyes glazed over” with boredom and he entered into an “erotic haze”. He would fantasize about the escort he had been with the night before and anticipated getting home after a long day to get on the chat rooms and look at pornography on the internet.

His days were the usual business of forgetting assignments and people’s names, of losing things and being chastised by bosses, as he had been by parents, for not being able to sit still or follow directions. At home, he felt empty, depressed and lonely. He was unable to focus on a book or a movie. He often felt different than others. It was as though others were given a chip at birth that allowed them to remember simple things, to process information accurately, to complete tasks in an orderly fashion, to moderate their impulses and calm their bodies and mind when they wanted to. But Brian knew he was “different” from them. His girlfriend complained that he interrupted their conversations and that he always put his needs first from; He could never finish a task that wasn’t engrossing for him. He would lose his temper over trivial things and he didn’t know why. On the internet, however, looking at a montage of erotic images, he finally felt not scattered. Moreover, he felt soothed, whole and unafraid. Like a magic elixir, he would immediately feel “not different”. He felt alert, focused and alive. However, he soon found himself in job performance because of the long nights and weekends of compulsive sexing. He went to a 12-step “S” program and learned to stay away from compulsive sex. He married and got a promotion at work. Time passed as he worked his 12-step program and settled in to marriage. However, the impulse to call an escort or make an erotic phone call never went away.

One day, after two years of abstinence, he ran across an escort in a hotel who offered him her services and he could not think of a reason to refrain. Also, he had realized that his fantasies had taken on a distinct sadomasochist flavor and he had been curious about acting them out with this woman. He had been involved in a deal at work that went wrong and he felt “less than” and somewhat ashamed. Memories of shaming and humiliating remarks about his conduct and learning skills from teachers and parents came flooding back, precipitating his masochistic sexual fantasies. His sense of self was completely destabilized. So he did what had always worked for him when he felt psychologically fragmented: he went to an escort to shore up his fragile self esteem. Once again he would miraculously feel like he could live with himself. The non-stop put downs that had taken up permanent residence in his head were quieted, at least for a short period of time. Sex took the edge off like a few martinis do for an alcoholic.

The “quick fix” however, was followed by a crash which made him feel worse than he did before he went to the escort. Knowing he had once again lost control of himself, he would feel extremely remorseful and depressed. His feelings about himself bordered on self-loathing. After the crash, he no longer felt alert, focused, or euphoric. While Brian had been able to walk away from cocaine three years ago, the sex addiction had remained entrenched in his psyche: like an athlete’s foot of the mind — it called him — incessantly– an itch to be scratched but never soothed.

It was at this point that Brian decided that if he didn’t leave the house, he would not frequent escorts, and so he re-discovered the Internet. In no time at all, Vincent was spending untold minutes, hours, days totally absorbed in the internet, using chat rooms to set up erotic encounters, and exploring the fetishistic and S&M images and enticements of the cybersex world. Porn surfing became his medium of acting out because the images were flashy, intense, and risky and he could easily go to another web page when the novelty wore off and he would start to be bored.

What happened with Brian’s recovery? He seemed to have managed to avoid compulsive sex for a period of time and to make some positive changes in his life. But when faced with the opportunity, he was easily led to return to sex addiction.

In Brian’s case, he was not able to get a handle on his sex addiction because he had not been diagnosed and treated for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. A particular constellation of imbalanced neurotransmitters were creating physical and emotional problems for him, including an inability to regulate attention, control impulses, sleeping, and mood and energy levels. His need to self-medicate his impulsivity, restlessness and mental hyperactivity gave way to using sexually compulsive behaviors to try to fix his brain chemistry. Poor impulse control combined with a drive for high-risk, intense, novel experiences contributed to Brian’s addiction to sex.

Many sexual compulsives with ADD have had experiences like Brian’s. They struggled in school because they got bored or had a hard time paying attention. Once bored, they would stare out the window, often caught up by sexual fantasies. As adults, relationships are difficult for them. Impulses carry them from project to project, relationship to relationship, job to job. Their minds come screeching to a halt as they try to remember a friend’s name or the location of the escort they visited last night. Most feel the self-loathing of people who are working under capacity, and experience the pain and grief of living a life of lost opportunities and diminished personal potential.

Deregulation and Deprivation

Deregulation and impulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as the hallmark of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, ADDers feel an intense need to continue forever whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be “a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences.”

A sense of deprivation then emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from having the experience of natural pleasure as it relates to intimacy with another human being. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the ADDer can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation not received in his child’s ADD world, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.

Deprivation is not a feeling that is comfortable for the ADD/sex addict. He is a bottomless pit of needs, always looking ahead and never feeling satisfied. The simpler pleasures of life are too mild. Risky, novel, intense and mysterious experiences such as those provided by Internet porn match his voracious appetite. Sex with a spouse seems banal. Marriages are ruined. Unfortunately, trying to feed the monster of endless needs makes the need grow larger and more insistent so the ADD/sex addict sets a vicious cycle in motion. Despite endless hours looking at cybersex, no amount is ever enough. Sex addicts/cybersex addicts are rarely sated and live daily with a sense of unsatisfied longing.

Mood and Emotion

There are problems with mood and emotion regulation and stabilization in ADD and sex addicts. ADD/sex addicts often say they live on emotional roller coasters – the need for risk and intensity in life and in sexuality is ever-present. For the ADDer, feeling states fluctuate with extreme alterations in the highs and lows over hour or even minutes. Maintaining emotions on an even keel is an intricate process involving fine adjustments by different parts of the brain and nervous system. Since setbacks throw ADDers off balance easily, they may try to adjust their instability with a sex/internet binge to balance mood and brain chemistry. The release of endorphins and dopamine from sex temporarily settles the physical, emotional and biochemical roller-coaster that many ADDers experience on a daily basis.

Distractibility

The ADD mind drifts hither and yon. It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely and tenuously connected thoughts, often moving to sexual fantasies that quell its restless energy. This is the famous “distractibility” of ADD. An ADDer might engage in sexual fantasies when he should be working. The radio in the ADD brain seems to have a malfunctioning scan button that won’t let him switch channels efficiently. The sex addict’s solution is to stay tuned to one channel only and it is usually sexual fantasy to which the channel is set. Once he’s in his compulsive, rigid focus, it’s hard for him to turn off the scan button to redirect. Hence, distractibility is not the only problem; ADDers can also have problems with hyper focusing, or over focusing. Once the person’s attention is captured, he can stay engaged with what he’s doing almost endlessly. Some may not be able to pay attention; ADD sexual compulsives usually can’t stop paying attention. Hours and hours go by, chores don’t get done, children and spouse are neglected, books go unread, the glory of the sound of music is muted. This type of erotic hyper attention can also take its toll in exhaustion, fatigue, and sometimes failing health.

The over- persistence of the sexual compulsive can make switching gears out of the “erotic haze” very difficult. Although this type of self-absorption makes productive/creative work and interpersonal relationships impossible, refocusing is painful. Going from one task that involves excitement, risk, mystery, intensity, soothing and escape is excruciating when taking out the garbage or paying the bills is called for.

Another factor that contributes to sexual addiction for ADDers is that many people with ADD have defective sensory filters that make them experience the world as a barrage to the senses — noises, sights and smells rush in without barriers or protection. When you live with ADD, you may be constantly bombarded with input that others may not even notice. This assault on the senses often creates feelings of intense anxiety and irritation that can trigger sexual acting out. The comfort of the “erotic haze” on the internet or the soothing experience with an escort can ameliorate these incessant barrages of sensory stimuli to the ADD brain.

Impaired Social Skills

Some ADDers have experienced the negative impact of ADD on social adjustment. Many are shy and were not particularly popular in school, especially if learning disabilities have been in the picture. Social ostracizetion has been part of the childhood of many ADDers. As adults, many ADDers have to work very hard to interact effectively in social and work situations. The development of social skills is more an art than a science because we must learn to read the ever-changing reactions of others. If deficient selective attention interferes with paying attention to social cues in order to listen and respond emphatically, the ADDer may feel extremely ill at ease. How much easier to go to a chat room to enter into an eroticized communication where sexuality can be used as a surrogate for real social interactions.

Shame

Many ADD children grew up in families in which put-downs, disapproval, personal attacks and threats of abandonment were commonplace events. Punishment and frustration from teachers and taunts from peer groups added to a sense of worthlessness. As an adult, the ADD child judges himself mercilessly and often tries to be perfect in a desperate attempt to shield his shame. He feels deeply ashamed of being “different” due to ADD as well as of being a sexual compulsive – a “deviant”, if he becomes one. Chronic, relentless shame is devastating. Mired in feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness and despair, he is full of doubt about his very validity.

Shame and sex addiction are natural partners. The more intense the pain of self-hatred, the stronger the drive to find a sexual behavior that offers relief from internal pain and emptiness. For the sex addict, the answer to his inner problems lay outside himself in the “magic” of sexual desire, for or from, another. He confuses sexual desirability with self-acceptance. He is trying to fill the void that has been at least partially created by shame. He simply cannot bear feeling empty inside.

ADD temper problems or problems with rage may also stem from this chronic shame. A rageful person is desperate to keep others far enough away so they won’t see his sense of defectiveness. A shamed person can only think to defend himself from real or imagined attacks by cruelly attacking the other person. And rage works. It drives people away and so protects the person from revealing his shame. But this device of using rage to keep people away is very damaging to a person’s self-esteem. Rage breaks the connection between people and so increases the shamed person’s shame. A rage/shame spiral can result. Social isolation lends itself to engrossment in sexual fantasy as a way to ameliorate loneliness.

The person who is shame-based sees himself as deeply and permanently flawed. He “knows” he is not like other persons. He “knows” he is different. He “knows” he is so bad he is beyond repair. He “knows” he will never be able to join others in a world of productivity, balance, self-respect and pride.

Shame and Perverse Sexuality

An early-life sense of shame for being “different” and fear of abandonment can influence the sexual development of an ADD child. Parents who may have been unstable themselves and who had no knowledge of the special needs of an ADD child, may create a shame-based home environment. The messages that the ADD child who has chronic behavior problems, hyperactivity, aggressiveness and learning disabilities receives at home may include:

You are not good;
You are not good enough;
You don’t belong;
You are deficient and disappoint us.
You are not worthy of love.

Shame and sexuality become closely connected. Children shamed early in life may become sexually compulsive or develop perverse fantasies as a way to feel better about themselves. Fetishism may occur. Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments may become paramount. Exhibitionism may be developed and acted on.

Exhibitionism can easily be a chosen perversion for the person who is shame-based. The person who is shamed, instead of hiding, calls attention to himself. He may expose himself in public, in an automobile or by standing in a window. The ADD child may have suffered from a lack of recognition of his real and valid feelings, wants and needs by parents and teaches who expected him to be other than the way he was. The exhibitionist seeks to redress this lack of recognition. He also uses his perversion as a strategy for dealing with shame by displaying what he really wants to hide – himself.

Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments are common among shame-based people who have difficulty imagining that relationships can include mutual respect, dignity and pride. People who have grown up with shame, like many ADD people, often believe that fulfilling, exciting relationships must be shame-based. Men pay hundreds of dollars to see dominatrixes who physically humiliate them and repeatedly tell them something is wrong with them. The submissive man, fearing abandonment, tries to please the “mistress” by becoming whoever she wants him to be, no matter how humiliating or de-humanizing her demands may be. The reasoning is such: “If anyone saw the real me, they would be revolted. I must please the mistress by being a person she would be proud of.” Pleasing the dominant parental figure is a way on undoing the pain of having a parent that couldn’t be pleased. The S&M enactment thus turns trauma into triumph because the masochistic man succeeds in pleasing his dominant partner.

Self-abuse is a common result of shame. Here, the person who is deeply shamed engages in masochistic behaviors that damage him. Seeking out the services of a dominatrix who may beat, whip and verbally humiliate him is one such way of self-abuse.

The other side of the S&M coin is the desire to humiliate and administer pain to others. Shame is a threat to a person’s basic sense of being. The shamed person feels small weak, vulnerable and exposed. He may find this self-hatred to be unendurable and in order to survive psychologically, he transfers his hatred on to others, treating them with disdain and contempt.

 

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